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Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
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11:11 pm
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| Your Personality Profile | 
You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.
You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming! |
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 30th, 2005
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8:20 pm - This weeks album: Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung
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In order to enjoy everyday of your life you must sleep well (eight hours a night is good), eat well (everything that comes out of you, emotionally and mentally as well as physically, is all a reflection of what you put inside of you), exercise well (especially when your stressed out, it's always good to get that frustration out, and it's important to catch your body up to your over-worked mind), and keep good relations (surround yourself with people who you love and who love you, this could be one of the most important things). A balance of the four is always good, though it may be difficult from time to time. Add in spices of sunsets and god music and you're good to go.
I've been working this for a while now and am nowhere close. In fact there are twenty much more important things for me to be doing right a now as opposed to laying in bed and writing this. Hmm... I'm going to get on top of those and try and get some 8 hours of sleep.
PS Halloween is my favorite holiday. This year nothing is happening. I am working until 9:30 and have a midterm the next day. This makes me very sad and I am tempted to consider it a reflection of the year, even though I know I should, I know I will.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, October 18th, 2005
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11:46 am
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The most luxurious thing I have ever experienced is being able to surf the internet while sitting on the toilet. It really can't get much better than that.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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11:39 am
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When i was a senior in high school my best friend found a book laying on the ground in the middle of Barnes and Noble. She picked it up and brought it to me. And then went out and bought rest of his books. Today I found one of his books and bought it. Javan comes to me when I am in need of seeing how the art of writing can put our minds on paper. Like a beautiful painting. This is why I write.
Someday I will smile
And find the warmth of my smile
Reflected back to me
Someday I will reahc out
And find that I only have to reach halfway
For someone will be reahcing out to me
Someday I will fins
The true meaing of the word Love
That many use so carelessly
Someday I will find
Someone with whom I can share
But for know I must try to know myself
And the world aroudn me
So when the time comes for me to give
I will know the meaning
Of my Gift
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, June 24th, 2005
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2:49 am
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| Monday, June 13th, 2005
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10:09 am
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It's up and down. Yesterday was hard. This morning I woke up feeling better. As long as I don't think. I can't sleep if I think, my heart won't stop racing. I have been feeling physically ill for the past two days. I'm amazed I didn't throw up in my final this morning. I'm amazed I made it to my final this morning. Blah! There we go, much better.
current mood:  nauseated
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, June 6th, 2005
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2:22 am
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Okay, I've gotten to the point where I'm starting to rape myself in the ass. SODOMY! I think I'm just feeling burnt out. I really dont want to have any responsiblies right now. I just want to go out and enjoy myself. But I seriously need to just suck it up. Fuck! I think I'm failing Astronomy. And I need to my my GPA up so I can go to Germany next year. Aggg! I suck!
Needed:
- Life perspective
I seriously need to fully comprehend what my actions are doing to my future. Lately my attitude has simply been "hey, I'm in college." But if I keep this up I won't be much longer. I am so fortunate to have been given everythign that I have. Some many people around me are struggling, and I'm totally slacking off. Sometimes I think that if I had life a little harder i would appreciate everything more.
- A little dose of reality
Too many days have gone by (in the past week) with me completely out of touch with reality. Lost in my own thoughts. Not good. At least not the way I'm doing it.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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2:17 am
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| Friday, June 3rd, 2005
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10:10 am
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Yesterday sucked. Well at least the beginning of it. Life is never good when you become self absorbed, and get lost in the world of your own internal conflict. I'm so out of that. Magic night gave me a kick in ass and reminded me that have the COOLEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD as friends. I so don't want to be in a relationship. I have the rest of my life to be tied down. Someone would have to be pretty freakin awesome to get to me to do that. So there! Ha!!!
Dont fall in love with me.
current mood:  chipper
current music: (in the library without an ipod)
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| Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
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8:53 pm
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I've once it before and I'll say it again. Everyone happens for reason. Everyone you know, everything you've done has a purpose. Sometimes it hurts. But even then it will pass. I need to stop being selfish. I have so much love for the world. Give it. Don't hold back. Give it to everyone. Each of us has something in us. Something that needs to be shared. Yet today we rarely do. In fact most of us don't really know who we are. We have been morphed, changed from what we originally were. Nature vs. Nuture. Overcome Nuture. Find yourself. Who are you really are. It's somewhere in there. But after twenty years it may be hard to find. We too often change who we are for other people. It's gotten to the point where even if we try it's hard not to do.
Blah. Words of motivation. Blah. I need to start getting over myself at this point. As I said everything happens for a reason. I shouldn't be with the first person I am interested in after "Relationship Crap". There are so many fish in that darn'd sea. I'm off on my maiden voyage... Out in the open waters. Only pick up the best. No one wants to be eating anything that makes them sick. Blah.
current mood:  blank
current music: John Williams
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| Friday, May 27th, 2005
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10:38 am
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I'm out for the weekend guys. I love you all. So much. I honestly don't know where i would be if it weren't for you. I wish i could buy you all a puppy. One that didn't poop or pee, or chew things up. One that would only give you lots and lots of love. Cause that's what I feel when I see you.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
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11:51 pm
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This is karma. Coming back to bite me in the ass. The only reason I like him is because he led me to believe he felt the same way. But he doesn't, I'm sure of it now. And now I like him. And I don't even really know him. I wish we could just talk about it. Tomorrow is my last chance before I leave for the weekend, but we will be drinking. That sounds too familiar... I don't want to make this uncomfortable. But I can't see it going any other way. History is repeating itself and it's turning right back around to bite me in my ass. In a few months I will look back at this and think to myself how much I learned from it, how much I have grown because of it. But for now it just sucks.
Why is it that we focus on the petty things in our lives, that we allow the most infinitesimal things obscure our view of what really matters? It's crap. I need to expand my mind, and allow my thoughts to wonder to more important parts of my life. I want to get lost. Just get lost in something. Love scares me. But I feel like I need the affection. That makes me feel weak. After all that I have been through in the past two years one would think that I could be alone. I don't want to be alone. But I want to be able to be alone. Damn me. Damn my father. I want to move far away and remind myself of what really matters. Not all this trivial crap. But then we are like nothing in the space of the universe. Our existence is almost non existent in the grand scheme of things. We can not think on larger scales other than our own petty lives. It's too difficult for us to comprehend the life of a staving, over worked child on the other side of the world is like. We can not expand our minds so far as that. So we resort to what we can wrap ourselves around. There's not much else to do. but that doesn't mean that we can not be aware of everything else. Learning about the cosmos, traveling across the world to see that child, standing in front of us, full reality. Like a slap in the face. Sometimes all the beauty in the world hits you all at once and your mind overrides. Too much. Only tears. There are no words for sunsets.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
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10:38 pm
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Your Star Wars Name and Title |
Your Star Wars Name: Jenga Wiatl
Your Star Wars Title: Tteeve of Kire |
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, May 23rd, 2005
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2:53 pm
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It amazes me just how awesome all the people in my life are. I am so freakin lucky. I have always been close to my family, at least my mom, unitl i wasn't so annoying to my brother ans sister. And now that I am down in Socal I get to spend more time with my girls than before, or at least when scheudle alows it. My friends have always mean the world to me. And now more than ever I am completely surrounded. God! It's so amazing! How could I ever feel any hint of depression or melancholy when there is so much love and joy everywhere around me?
I am also a little bitch who apparently loves to procrastinate till the point of extenction. That blazing comet is barreling down on me at this point... BUt I least I have good people to keep me company.
current mood: indescribable
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 19th, 2005
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3:40 am
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Crap, I already started an entry and my computer freaked out and closed the window. Star Wars was awesome. At least we can say that the episodes get progressively better. I cried at the end when they were passing out the babies. I realized that this was really it. I mean, all my life it was an open ended story, at least for those of us who haven't read the books. But now, it's out. The true story has been set in stone. That's it.
God I love it. It sounds so cheesy, but Star Wars really strikes something deep inside of me. I feel all warm. BUt that could also be the lack of sleep and blood.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
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10:26 pm
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I recently realized that Matt was never really in love with me. He was in love with the thought me. And he wasn't the only one. My image of love has become so altered. It freaks me out. After being with someone who I really loved for so long. After hurting and lying to all the other people in my life who I cared about. After putting myself through so much pain for so long. After all that I haven’t had much of a reason to trust love. Love makes people do crazy things. And for what?
I don’t think very many guys have ever loved me, but merely the thought of me. Why believe in love? I have distanced myself from guys for so long, I don’t know what to do anymore. Aaron and I never had any real connection on that kind of level. I could not be in love with him. But now I find myself liking someone. For real. And I don’t know what to do. I can’t express it. Of course it isn’t love. But affection. Attraction. It all freaks me out. I don’t want to freak him out. So I can’t show it. I’m afraid it’ll push him away. I know that’s what it’s done to me in the past. The way I see it, you can’t really like someone until you truly know the other person. But this “getting to know” you process is slow going, and getting no where. It sucks. I’m too busy, and the school year is almost over. It almost seems like I should give up.
But I’m going to cut myself short. I’m not going to give up. Even though it sucks. I need a definite answer before I can make that decision.
I hate that this bothers me. I want to enjoy my life. Every day. Every moment. I don’t want to waste any of it. I want to just believe that things will take their course, and allow them to. But I can’t. I over think things too much. Sometimes I think that the best thing for me would be to just cut myself off from everything and everyone, and just have some time for myself. To really make some serious decisions. To commit myself to thinking one way.
But I can’t help that thinking that no matter how much we meditate, no matter how much we try to better ourselves, we will always slip in the end and end up right back where we started. I’ve done this way too many times in my live to think otherwise. Sometimes I feel like I’m still that fucked up 12 year old.
But I know I’m not, I know I’m better. At least I can talk to people now, for a minute at least before things get awkward. I should have listened more closely to what the puppy had to say…
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, May 16th, 2005
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6:57 pm - homeless pup
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I found a stray dog today in the parking lot of my apartment complex. At first I looked around for the owner, and after I realized that there was no one around I noticed that he didn't have a collar. No good. He seemed very cautious of me, and barked when I called him over. I knew that if I walked any closer he would get even more freaked out and would either run or attack. So I went upstairs and grabbed some chicken. I threw a piece over to him and put another down beside me as I sat behind my parked car. He started walking toward me after I sat down, but when he got to about five feet away he started crying and barked again. He went back to the chicken and ate it. Then hesitantly walked toward the other piece next to me. I was pretty surprised at how quickly he seemed to get over his fear of me. His eyes looked like they had so much hurt in them. I couldn’t help but think of how he got their. My best guess was that some suburban Irvine family got sick of taking care of him and threw him out the door of their moving car. He wasn’t cut or bleeding, but he did seem a little bunged up. But those eyes, half hidden behind his long, shaggy hair. After looking around a bit he came closer, smelled my face and sat down next to me, looking out at the parked cars. We sat there for a while, with me patting him lightly. I started thinking about what I was going to do with him, who to call, how to get him upstairs, or if I should even try. After a few minutes he looked up at me, got in really close, smelling me again, and then started trotting back to the other side of the parking lot where he had come from. He picked up into a cantor and disappeared behind a bush. I got up and walked over there to see where he was going, but he was gone. Gone. I walked around the whole block, but he was nowhere. Just gone.
I felt like a child again, sitting there with him. I always felt this urge to have a strong connection with nature, and all the little creatures in it. Only as a child I don’t think it quite came out that way. And of course as child I always had the urge to squeeze things that I loved, which was never good for my pets.
He trusted me though. He came over and sat down next to me, watched the world pass by. As he got in close to my face, and looked into my eyes I felt like it was a sign from God, reminding me that there are bigger things in life than our daily schedule. Remember what it’s like to be a child. He trusted me. I didn’t have to talk, act or perform, just be myself, just sit there and he came to me. Even though I may be awkward as hell sometimes, even though I don’t always say the right thing. Even though I’m getting a little pudgy and “letting myself go”. He didn’t care. Those aren’t the things at matter.
I would have never thought something like this could have happened in Irvine.
current mood:  pensive
current music: fiona apple
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